


The Python of Passion (Or: Why Jack Harkness Should Never Be Permitted to Speak in Public)

by SelenaTerna



Series: The Disco-Stick of Destiny [2]
Category: Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Crack-ish?, F/M, Fluff, Human AU, Humour, I have no excuse for this, Innuendo, Kinda, Romance, Sorry Not Sorry, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Wedding, multiple non-obscene phallic references, silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-01
Updated: 2018-01-01
Packaged: 2019-02-26 06:10:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13229670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SelenaTerna/pseuds/SelenaTerna
Summary: Two years after his little sky-writing faux pas, Jack is the best man at Rose and the Doctor's wedding. Naturally, it doesn't go as expected.





	The Python of Passion (Or: Why Jack Harkness Should Never Be Permitted to Speak in Public)

**Author's Note:**

> First off Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all! Hope you've all had a lovely holiday.
> 
> I've not had the best month or so, as things have been pretty bad in RL, and this is the first time the muse has made itself known since my last fic, the Disco-Stick of Destiny, so please excuse any errors in this (or if you hate it) as the muse has not been at his peak in the circumstances. 
> 
> Also, this ficlet immediately follows that story, so if you haven't read it, I'd do that first, as this won't make all that much sense otherwise. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

“May I have your attention, please?”

Rose lifted her head from her new husband’s shoulder to stare at the floor, wide-eyed. “He’s not actually givin’ a speech, is he?”

Doctor James McCrimmon groaned. “I told him not to! I forbade it! Threatened his hair gel and everything!”

“Can’t we stop ‘im? Where’s the bloody power socket?” Rose whispered desperately, watching Jack seize the microphone.

“Too late!” the Doctor groaned again and buried his face in her beautifully coiffed hair. 

Jack, looking somewhat resplendent in his dress uniform, made his way to the centre of the floor and winked at the bridal couple. “At this stage of the festivities, as best man-.”

“Catch me doin’ _that_ again!” the Doctor muttered. 

“-it falls to me to say a few words about our two fluffy love muffins-”

“Oh, God,” Rose muttered. 

“- and how they met.”

The bridal couple froze and turned to one another in utter horror. _“No!”_ They breathed, watching helplessly as Jack warmed up to his subject. 

“Can’t we make a run for it?” the Doctor whispered desperately. “This place has to have a back entrance.”

“They’ll see us!” Rose whispered. “It’s _our_ wedding!”

“Knew I shouldn’t have let Jackie talk me into this circus. What was wrong with our idea of a quiet weddin’ in Barcelona?” he demanded.

“Shhhhhh!” She admonished him. “I can’t hear what he’s sayin’!”

The Doctor looked at her as though she were mad. “What d’you want to do that for?”

Rose rolled her eyes. “So I know when we need to tackle ‘im to the floor or pretend there’s a fire!”

“Oh.” He blinked. “I didn’t think of that.”

“Daft git,” she smiled affectionately, caressing his face and earning an (unnoticed) collective sigh from their guests.

“ _Your_ daft git, though.” He nudged her, beaming.

“Yeah,” she whispered, dropping a tiny kiss on the end of his nose. “Now shut it! He’s finished tellin’ them how he met you an’ now _that_ bit’s comin’ anytime!”

“Alright, alright,” the Doctor grumbled, turning back to his inimitable best man.

“-and I never dreamed that an assignment to show the navy who was boss brought not only victory to Royal Airforce-”

Their airforce comrades cheered loudly at this for several moments.

“-but also brought together our very own Doctor Delicious and his love-flower!”

“That’s it, I’m goin’ to kill ‘im,” the Doctor growled. “I’m goin’ to wring his neck and bugger the wedding guests!”

“He’s probably hopin’ you will.” Rose smiled cheekily, tongue touching her teeth.

“Oi! Whose side you on?”

“Shhhhh!” she giggled, snuggling into him. “Listenin’, remember?”

He rolled his eyes and stopped grumbling under his breath, tightening his arm around her shoulders.

“-and here we are two years later, dancing at their wedding!” Jack wiped a tear from his eye and beamed at them. “And to think that all it took was a bit of sky-writing, Johnny Cash and being in the right place at the right time!”

The Doctor blinked. “I think….Rose, I think we’re safe! He’s skippin’ it.”

She sighed with relief. “Thank God. Really didn’t want to have to explain to Grandma Prentice what he meant about his ‘love serpent’ bringin’ us together.”

The Doctor turned to her, grinning wickedly at her as Jack raised his glass. “Well, it wasn’t _his_ love serpent that did that now, was it?”

“Oi! Behave, you!” She whispered, blushing in spite of herself. 

He pouted. “Can’t a man seduce his wife? On his weddin’ day, no less?”

 “Behave now and I’ll make it worth your while later,’ she whispered into his ear, smirking as she felt him shudder.  

“-and so ladies and gentlemen, please raise your glasses in tribute to the happy couple! To the Doctor and Rose, may you have a long and happy life together!”

“The Doctor and Rose!” the crowd chanted merrily, sipping at their champagne.

Rose breathed a sigh of relief, reaching for her own flute. “Think we’re safe.”

The Doctor exhaled. “Alright, so I might hold off on killin’ him. This time.” He reached around and nabbed a flute of champagne, holding it up in salute. “To Jack and his amazin’ ability to avoid bein’ strangled on a regular basis.”

She giggled. “I’ll drink to that.”

His gaze softened as he looked at her. “An’ I’ll drink to my beautiful wife. Don’t know what you see in this daft old face, but Rose, I’m so glad I met you.”

“Me too,” she said softly, stroking his face. “An’ no matter what happens, whatever life throws at us, now, we face it together. ”

“Fantastic,” he said softly, raising her hand to his lips.

Unfortunately, the tender moment was (as so often occurred) interrupted by Jack, who was chatting with Air Commodore Lethbridge-Stewart and appeared to have forgotten that he had a live microphone in his hand. 

“Oh, yes sir, absolutely- getting them both under my Python of Passion was the best thing that could have happened to them.”

The room was suddenly deadly silent, for a moment before Grandma Prentice’s quavery voice was heard. “Does he have a snake?”

Jackie Tyler’s snort was heard clear across the room. “I volunteer to go an’ find out.”

“Mum!” Rose shrieked.

“Why, Jackie I had no idea!” Jack winked. “You can inspect my python any time.”

“Lieutenant!” Lethbridge-Stewart barked.

“But sir!”

“Harkness!” The Doctor growled. _“Shut it!”_

Grandma Prentice turned to Rose’s friend Gwen. “Bit of a fuss over one measly snake, innit?”

Gwen patted the older woman on the arm. “He’s very fond of it, Mrs Prentice.”

Grandma blinked. “Must be some snake.”

Gwen snorted. “I suppose so.”

“Oh.” The room fell into a shocked silence again before Grandma Prentice piped up again. “Can I pat it, then?”

An agonised shriek came from the bridal table. “ _Gran!”_

_Fin_

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Come follow me on Tumblr at countessselena.tumblr.com


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